On Projects and Pins
Posted on March 7, 2010
Filed Under Personal Posts | Leave a Comment
It was a good day today. My sister-in-law told me that sometimes it is nice to write about the positive, daily things as well as the dramatic. I have been holding off on posting anything until I get one certain article written, thus nothing has seemed worthy of getting posted. She told me that perhaps this could be a universal problem. Lots of people get stuck on a project and the world stops until it is finished. This article addresses the need to demystify getting the diagnosis of bipolar from our perspective. I am getting a lot more involved than I meant to, collecting far more information than necessary, but I am having a lot of fun with it.
Life is continues well right now. The current incarnation of BipolarNOW is underway. We made a lot of headway when I organized it in 2006, early ‘07. Had a resurgence in 2008, now I have been able to work on it again since about December ‘09. It is time to reclaim as many of the 114 volunteers as are still available and continue on our ambitious plans to educate, support, and provide a medium for the expression of original work.
An important project I am working on is creating “lapel/hat” pins for BipolarNOW. If we order a semi-high quantity we can sell them for about $2.50-$3.00 including shipping. (This is approximate at this time.) They would feature the circular logo of the colored yin/yang featured in the masthead on the main page.
The yin/yang logo represents the contrasting forces of mood that are not only connected, but are interdependent: unable to survive without the other. These primordial forces are the stuff of bipolar disorder. Joy and sorrow are inseparable all through life. The colored stars within the mood states represent mixed mood. The colors represent the range of mood. Bipolar disorder expresses itself on a spectrum from the very low to the very high. The colors express this. The edges are boundless as is the range and expression of each individual’s unique way the disorder presents itself. There is not a way to put a label on us, stick us in a cabinet, and forget us. We live to survive and give back to life in our own measure.
Like the ribbons of breast cancer and aids, the pin is a method of showing unity and solidarity. Like the puzzle piece of the autistic supporters, ours will be artistic enough in itself to stand alone without having to describe what it represents. You can choose whether to tell what it means or not, (you don’t have to come out of the ‘closet,’) but it may be an excellent way to reach out to others and educate someone on bipolar. Because it is so inexpensive you will be able to purchase at least one for yourself, and several for your allies.
I need to know what kind of interest is out there. Please send me your comments or response to via my email: egl.bpnow@yahoo.com. (This would in no way obligate you to purchase one.)
I am always interested in your feedback. It would be nice to know who is out there. Please feel free to email me, or the comments box is available to you.
I hope your day is going well. If it isn’t, may you find a piece of hope within the swirl of numb or carnage of despair or height of mania.
be well
erin
Reminders of Life
Posted on February 12, 2010
Filed Under Personal Posts, Quotes | 1 Comment
I am writing now and needed a break. So to get some inspiration I went to my fridge – not just for a snack – but to read my quotes. My fridge door is quite crowded. I thought I would share the joy:
“If you are going through Hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Unknown
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” mary anne radmacher
“Never Never Never Give Up” Winston Churchill
“finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. tomorrow is a new day. you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” emerson
“for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. happiness is a journey, not a destination… ” souza
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain
Stay in the moment…Damn – It’s gone!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. – Chinese proverb
Love without irritation is just plain lust! (tongue in cheek – this is important in bipolar to bipolar ally relations!)
“In those days, we finally chose to walk like giants & hold the world in arms grown strong with love & there may be many things we forget in the days to come, but this will not be one of them.” Brian Andreas
Life has no blessing like a good friend. (yes, I broke down and have a Mary Engelbreit.)
My Favorite:
“Check Your Premises” (a bumpersticker by shifthappens.us)
End of quotes:
So there. I feel so much better now. I can go back to my ‘constructive’ writing project. I find that it is necessary to sit back every so often and ponder what is right in front of me, (in this case on my fridge door,) and realize that at times I make my life a lot harder than it has to be.
be well
erin
emotional hostages: a personal perspective
Posted on January 28, 2010
Filed Under Personal Posts | 1 Comment
This is dedicated to the allies* of those with Bipolar Disorder. These include friends, family, and other supporters who often show the patience of Job. I am so grateful for these un-saluted individuals who make our lives possible. They give us support when we are discouraged, remind us to take our meds, and can usually tell when are aren’t. They try to help us eat and sleep well and avoid self-medicating. All the while seeming not to force us, because we all know how we react when we are forced!
This is directed to bipolar people that (can with effort) are able to exercise conscious control over their emotions and actions. Sometimes individuals emotionally abuse their allies, holding them in brittle condition. I don’t live any other person’s life so I cannot judge any individual’s situation, ever. I am speaking to an observed situation that troubles the ally community in general, and a specific incident that touched me. )I would leave this out because it sounds more personal that appropriate for this particular blog.
By its very nature, a bipolar cycle is a non-linear, emotionally charged condition. Its effects are bound to rub off onto the people who love us. The allies in our lives have their own issues and concerns. None of us go through life unscathed. The people we go to for support also need support and can only handle so much and ought not be dragged through the mud of drama every time we go through a bad cycle. Upon honest assessment, there may be behaviors we engage in more out of habit than necessity.
If I didn’t listen to my allies, our situation could easily escalate to emotional abuse. I am told the more manic I become the more irritable and sarcastic I am. I only know this because a brave ally explained that people run for the hills when they think I am going to engage them in conversation. I mistake wit for biting sarcasm, and when instructed, have learned not to speak when I feel I am becoming irritable. This is a work in progress for us. There are allies that are held as emotional hostages who feel forced to enable behavior knowing the ramifications if they don’t allow the verbal or actions to proceed.
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s 2006 statistics, every day approximately 90 Americans take their own life, and 2,300 more attempt to do so. Currently, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States.
People with bipolar who threaten self harm to themselves put their allies in an un-winnable situation. How is one to judge the veracity of the threat? 2,300 people attempt to take their life every day. How can an ally separate a genuine cry for help from verbal battery. A true cry for help could occur cycle after cycle because that person bottoms quickly and completely each and every time. Only experience can help a seasoned ally understand the nature of the ‘normal’ cycle, when perhaps that is drama being played out again and again. But it might change any cycle and our allies are in some ways as much at the mercy of the disorder as those who actually have it.
I am an ally to numerous people with bipolar who live on the edge. I am grateful to do it because I understand where they are coming from. One bipolar ally to another is a powerful alliance. I had thought I was doing a pretty good job with an old friend until we had a disagreement. He had been manic for about a month. Even manic he demonstrated a high level of self awareness, competence, and ability to interact with the linear world yet he took me through the worst verbal and emotional abuse an ally can have.
“Studies indicate that most bipolar patients who die by suicide communicate their suicidal state to others, most often through direct and specific statements of suicidal intent”. (afsp.org). He emailed me a suicide note, followed up by a noted typed as if he was drugged, with no control of his typing and spelling. He had a history of suicide attempt and hospitalization. He had been speaking about it frequently of late. I had no choice but to call the police. I didn’t know where he was staying or how to contact him at the time. If it had be a genuine attempt, he would have been long dead by the time help arrived. When the police found him, he was fine. He disavowed any knowledge of an attempt.
How culpable is he? Was it the illness acting in spite of him or was I intentionally emotionally abused. If a person with bipolar cries wolf, the entire bipolar population suffers. I am grateful I am only a friend. I can walk away. A family member wouldn’t have that luxury. Some allies that are in positions of chronic, persistent abuse and drama don’t choose their jobs, and can’t take a time out to have their own temper tantrums.
During my high mania and deep depressive cycles there is not much my allies can do for me emotionally, but they take care of all the realities of the linear* world, and that means that life goes on after the cycle is over. My life would be diminished without my allies. By sending our allies through their own personal hells, large and small, when we can control even a part of it, is cruel. If you are finding pleasure to be had in another’s pain, Stop it. Instead, try some gratitude. The more gratitude we can share in stable times, the more that will bleed into our ‘troubled’ times. We may be more responsive to their support, and they may be willing and able to offer it.
There is so much that is beyond our control or awareness. I don’t set out to be unkind to my family or make their lives more difficult. . I don’t realize I am at the time. I don’t see the hurt looks in their faces. I don’t realize I scare them when I am in high mania but the damage done to relationships when we act out can last a long time.
In my case, my allies did an intervention. They held a ‘mirror’ to my emotional face and when I was hypomanic and could make the connections while still in state to understand in that realm what I was doing. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself and have to be reminded. It was a great way to serve me and not coddle me.
We are so good at wielding the weapons of emotion because we are experts on the subjects. No one knows emotions better than a bipolar person. When we abuse our ‘powers’ to sense a person’s emotional buttons, and push them, we are unworthy of our gifts.
The experience with my friend opened my eyes to what we may be doing to the people we should be celebrating. He abused our relationship as allies to suck me into his drama for whatever reasons and added to the stigma all bipolar sufferers have to deal with. We have no business using our emotional gifts to abuse and manipulate situations and allies. We should be building relationships, not abusing them. We should be thanking the allies in our lives and being supportive in theirs as well. They not only enrich our lives, they sometimes make our lives possible at all.
*I am introducing the terms “Ally” for supporter and “Linear” for the world outside a bipolar person’s experience.
Thanks to Cami Rice who helped me get my words straight.
This is the second version of the blog.
Freaky Friday
Posted on January 3, 2010
Filed Under Personal Posts | Leave a Comment
What if your supporter had your bipolar experience for a while. And not
only that, but you knew what it felt like to be “normal” for just a while.
I have the privilege to receive heart-felt emails and stories from individuals with bipolar, and those that support them. One such email came from a 19-year-old. He was diagnosed when he was seven years old and cycles rapidly with mixed moods. He was eaten alive with guilt over a fantasy he holds close to his heart. In his worst times this sensitive young man would not wish his virulent strain of bipolar on his worst enemies. In his best times he wishes that everyone could know how it feels to touch the skies.
Often, with aching loneliness, he wondered how it would be to experience
the ‘normalcy of extended stability’. The ups and down of bipolar colored
much of his childhood. His deep dark secret is that he envies his
supporter’s freedom and wishes that for just one day, his supporter could
’switch minds’ with him. Not because he is mean or spiteful, or wants to
cause pain. It is just that then his supporter would really understand
where he is coming from. He would know that this supporter’s ‘understanding’ really meant something. Is he going to Hell for
this fantasy or heaven for wanting the world to understand and have
compassion for those of us who suffer?
One response to this this story came from a volunteer who’s heart-felt
response mirrored the feelings of the emailer, with a little more passion.
“I wish everyone knew what it was like. I wish there was no stigma. If
someone has cancer or heart disease or a broken leg people have
empathy–even if they haven’t experienced those things. But bipolar just
seems to outsiders as a bad attitude, bad behavior, and/or being a wimp who
can’t handle emotions.”
This story hits home on many levels for individuals with bipolar disorder.
I know that those who are still ‘in the closet,’ who have not disclosed the
fact of their condition, still suffer some stigma all the same because they
display the symptoms of bipolar medications: the shaky hands of lithium, the
lethargy and dopiness of Seroquel for example. They cannot explain the
origins of these symptoms so they may be judged all the same.
What do you think?
Therapy: Out of the Closet
Posted on December 23, 2009
Filed Under Personal Posts | Leave a Comment
Monday was my third session with my new therapist—an urbane occurrence for some but an impressive feat in my life. I have resisted therapy for years. Intellectually, and academically, I know it is an integral part of bipolar disorder mental hygiene. I am a big proponent of it in my writing. When anyone comes to me for guidance, I advise it.
But I wouldn’t do it for myself. I develop a good relationship with a psychiatrist for medication management, but I have always been confident a therapist couldn’t do anything for me that I couldn’t do for myself.
I am excited and scared. I resisted going whole-heartedly into therapy my entire life. This is about the ninth attempt. I developed bipolar as a teenager. My type of bipolar tends to get worse with age. There is no magic bullet for rapid-cycling, mixed-mood.
Three weeks ago, when I sat on my psychiatrist’s couch in need of a literal ‘fix’, and was reminded that there wasn’t one, I was devastated all over again. Why it was worse this cycle than others, I don’t know. Maybe there were some ‘extra special’ triggers this time around.
After all the years of living the disorder, getting my degree in psychology, studying everything I could get my hands on, and being in and out of therapy enough times, I had taught myself the lie that I could play the game and be smarter than the therapist. So why waste everybody’s time? In my perception, all the therapist would do was delve into my childhood -again- (who wants to go there time and again!) or patronize me, hitting the same points again and again, ich!
This time around, my brand-spankin’ new psychiatrist (we just moved states,) recognized that I was in trouble and before I got my prideful defenses up, I was in his colleague’s office. She is wonderful!
As a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker), she works with systems, which is absolutely perfect because if you live the bipolar life, you know that it isn’t linear. You may in fact see that it could be imagined as systems: How we flow and interact with our inner selves, our health (are we taking our meds, doing the best for our bodies and minds,) our supporters, family, work, and any number of factors.
Monday I pulled out an area that I needed to work on urgently. As we worked through the issue, it was obvious that it interacted with the rest of my inner life. I was also made aware of the ways that I talk to myself, and the defenses and methods that I employ to get me through my life as a high-functioning bipolar person. Some are brilliant, but they are not always healthy. We will work together on those.
I am awesomely surprised that therapy has gone well three times in a row. One of her several methods is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. A method I particularly like because it focuses on the present and what can be done to adapt positive, workable techniques in place of maladaptive, destructive behaviors.
A quote in my email signature is by Richard Bach: “Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they are yours.” Illusions, Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
We are our own self-fulfilling prophecy. Often I find that I am my own worst enemy. I did not have to go into therapy. No one knew I was a closet hypocrite. I could blithely continue with the advice to pair meds. with therapy as vital tools together without using it myself.
I am glad that I am choosing a harder road with someone who is at least as smart as me, that I cannot rail-road and just do lip service for 50 minutes once a week. Because that would just be a sad, depressing waste of time. I feel bad for anyone who would go through the motions, on auto-drive, something to check-off their list. Make this a wake-up call! If you are going to do it, do it right!
Thanks for playing
be well
erin